Alright... I'm not going to deactivate DA. I'd miss you all to much and I just feel I have to much on here to just throw all away. Thank you guys though. For being supportive as you always are. I won't say much about what is going on, because honestly it would probably make more trouble. But I will say I was a mess the day I posted that last journal up. Things have improved since then though with others help as always. Mom, friends here, friends at home, you guys ^^ .... Which is good, because it is finals time and being so upset makes it incredibly hard to focus. I'm not going to stay away from DA or my friends on here in fact I'm hoping I can post up a lot of work soon. I am really behind on that.

Next week is my last week of school, everything is due and although I have no class that last Friday before break I won't be going home Thursday. I'm suppose to work the last closing day 12:30-5:00 p.m. with Katie B. and I must say I'm glad. By that time I'll have no homework hanging over my head and I can just enjoy my friend's company before I have to say goodbye to her for a month. I will miss Cbus, but I am ready to get away from the stress.

My brother is FINALLY (We tease him that he is a professional college student he has been in school so long) graduating and his ceremony is suppose to be the 13th so I am considering just staying in cbus until then. It might be good for me really.

Hank's back leg injury was better when I went home thankfully and so the right front was lame. This was good, because the vet was able to do the block and we could see the lameness easily. His injury is definitely in his foot again, probably the same injury from years back. We decided to treat him and wait to do the x-rays if he doesn't get better, because the injury will be treated the same either way. I'm hopeful and the vet put him on a plan for the next four weeks. I did get to sit on him and walk him around. Even just that lil bit makes me so very happy, but mostly I just want him to be healthy, happy and loved.

A.J. comes home Dec 20th and that will be nice and I shall bring her pie.

Pie Giving this year was a lot of fun and everyone seem to enjoy themselves and I am thankful for that.I got to see everyone I missed with one exception of course.

Thanksgiving was great, I love my family. They are dysfunctional in the harmless funny way. I missed my two cousins though.

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving! Sorry it's late!

I recently have gotten myself into a lot of trouble. So I may be deactivating you soon. I really don't want to considering our history together and this place being my safe heaven. And the friends I have made and have on here. But I'm in a lotta pain though and getting rid of these online sanctions may help lessen it. I deleted myspace so the people who dislike me no longer have to see me on there as to lessen their pain also. I dunno I'm going to consider this because It has taken me a long time to build up this DA account with all my work/journals and comments, but if I don't delete you I at least will be absent for a long time. Thank you for being here for me. And also sorry because I don't deserve you.

I have a friend who came to me with a problem and I must say they scared me half to death. I am still scared. And I fear I can't be of much help to them. Thinking hard I thought back to a time where I was in a very dark dark place within my own mind. A time many years ago before I was enlightened with something very important ' purpose'. During this time I lived in great fear.

That was back before I even started my DA account so I have no writings of what was going on in my head during, but I have writings of when I was slowly getting out of it. Here is one I found from way back, during my time of enlightenment. I hope in some way this can help. I cut it a little short.

Who am I now?
I’m not so sure, but I’ll tell you who I was.
I was a happy child,
a lonely adolescence,
a depressed teen,
and now I am something else, something healed,
hopefully on the way to happy adult.
Everyone reaches that low, many go much lower than me.
Hopefully you don’t, but then there arises this choice
either you sink until there is nothing left,
or you raise and pull yourself back, despite the struggle.
Sometimes there are others to help you raise
Sometimes there are some who try to push you back down.
In the end it comes down to you and we all know this.
Many try to deny it, but deep down they know.
They can blame the ones who made it harder,
but their the ones who gave up in the overall end.
There is always something different about the ones
who never quit even if they die trying.
They die better
See there comes a time when everyone around you disappears
like their no longer there and
only a select few remain, that you can see.
And you fine their the only ones who matter to you.
Life becomes so clear
No matter the fact I have pulled myself out,
there is always the threat of falling back in though.
I can feel it biting at my heels, almost willing me too
My heart always begins to race when I feel it
So the most important thing I’ve discovered is to grab hold
to those who matter, to those I can still see.
And to just stay grounded and inside to fly
See I know that dark place that some have talked about and many have seen
And I got out of it.
I don’t ever plan on going back.
See I don’t know who I am currently, but I don’t really care either.
Maybe that is why I don’t feel sick inside anymore.


To add to this. Life is full of love. And even at times when you feel love has left you abandoned it never truly has. It shall return in some form the idea is to always be open to it. And I want you to know that despite what ever you may think you have purpose in this life. That is to important to let go. To important to give up. it is the most important fucking thing. YOUR PURPOSE is THAT IMPORTANT. Please don't lose sight. It may be there without you even knowing what it truly is.

It has been a while since I could bring myself to say anything. The truth is life has just been overbearing in many different aspects. Hahaha I'm sorry. I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense and I'm not sure if it's going to be long, I'm not sure what I'm going to say. If you get right down to it I'm just not so sure about anything. Jeeze... that sounds pitiful, doesn't it? Again I'm sorry, this whole October has been like trudging an emotional mountain. It's a constant struggle, often full of rock slides that hit me down a ledge. Some hit me so hard they injure me causing the rest of my climb back up to be slow and painful to the point that I wonder why continue on? But then on the rare occasion I find a small hidden path that makes the climb a bit easier it gives me that little bit of hope I need to continue on the journey. And of course there are the reaching hands and arms of the people that surround me. They of course busy themselves with their own climb, and yet they find time to aid me in mine. Their eyes follow me, willing me not to give up because I can feel how I affect them as they affect me. But it's just so hard. I look at my hands, what are they capable of? Anything? It's so frustrating.....*sigh* If you misunderstand all my useless analogies, I'll clear it up right now... I'm talking about my art and going to this school.

Of course that is not all I speak of. It has been a very busy month quite frankly. I have had a visitor every single weekend of October, with one exception in the middle of the month. Which is good ya know, but at the same time, kind of not. The first weekend I had three friends come up here, Julie, Danny and Jay courtesy of his van. The next weekend my mom came up and we went to the quarter horse congress and we got free tickets to the PBR (professional Bull Riding) with purchase of new Ariot boots, which I desperately needed. What's funny about this is my mom started watching the PBR on T.V. when I went to college and there was nothing good on during the writers strike.... and she's really into it now. She knew who all the cowboys were and even some of the bulls and man... was she excited. It was pretty fun and cool to watch honestly. The following weekend was the only weekend nobody came and visited that month, wasn't very interesting. The next weekend my mom came to visit me again and this time we went to the Circleville Pumpkin Festival. It was really fun and I have pictures, I love hanging out with my mom. Finally the last weekend, the weekend of Halloween. I hosted another pumpkin carving party at my apartment with lots of food and movies again. Then the next day Jay came to visit me on Halloween. This weekend I'm alone. Its both good and bad. I need to be alone so I can work better, but being alone is also, well... lonely.

I guess what I realized at the end of last weekend is that I am very homesick. It hit me so suddenly. Sometimes it's just so hard that I'm not sure how much more i can take. Like a pathetic child all I want is to come home and forget it all. Go back to my life, the life where I work and ride and can be completely myself. Sometimes... I don't know, even sanctuary seems to be tainted with a different kind of curse. Bad summer, where am I really at home? It all just hurts and resort to just calling my mom and crying to her on the phone. Well that was last week, this is this week and I am going home finally next weekend. The reason's aren't to great, Hank has been having on and off lameness issues. The vet is coming in on Friday to give him x-rays. Lately he hasn't appeared off, but he is also on bute currently (horsie advil). My mom is going to take him off a few days before I'm home and I am going to ride him on the Thursday when I come home and maybe even Friday before the vet comes, because they asked us to. I must thank Carly for watching after my boy and whipping him to shape when he is being a jerk.

Although I am very worried about Hank I am so happy to be going home. I want to see him so bad, I am itching so bad to ride him again. He has been giving Danielle a hard time and I want to kick his ass and kiss him at the same time. Gawd I miss the jerk. Amber and I worked it out so that we can come home together. ^^ I am so happy in the way of relief. I miss my home so much so that dreamed we were leaving this weekend. It's been two months. I dunno how A.J. does it, only someone like her could.

One of the reasons I know i just need to get away from here is one of my classes and the teacher in it. I'm not sure, but two weeks ago I got the feeling that she thinks I can't draw. That really disturbed me even more then I thought. I thought I was okay, but after my class as I walked back it consumed my mind no matter how much I tried to drone it out with happy music. I came home and all I could bring myself to do was sleep even though for once I had gotten a full nights rest. I slept for many hours and when I woke the feeling just got worst. I tried to write a paper, but I couldn't think. Soon the realizations started to take hold and I began to pace my apartment. I felt like I couldn't breath right and I was shaking. I was having a sudden panic attack. My conscious throwing out things that just made it worst, things like,
"I knew it. Why are you here? You're no good. You don't belong here. You're wasting time and money. They think so and you yourself know so."
I guess I can be pretty self mutilating when I want to be. I don't mean to be, but this thought often rings in my mind every time I screw up.
"I hate myself"
What's with this complex? Is that normal? I didn't use to do that, but I do now. One other thought I hear in my head,
"It's like a bad dream."
As I was panicking I just kept thinking those things to the point where I felt the room closing in on me. I tried to call my mom I needed someone to help me, but she didn't answer. I texted my brother. I just couldn't stand it though, I had to get out of my apartment and so I went to my car. Not knowing where I was going, it was already 11 o'clock at night and I had class the next day. Seriously what was I thinking? But Nathan came through, he texted me back and said he was doing an alnighter studying for anatomy and so I called him. Trying not to cry well driving and talking on the phone. Just asked him if he was busy or if people were with him. He said no, so then I asked if I could just come by for a bit. He said yes and asked me what was wrong. I just choked up and said, "I dunno. Can I just come by please, I won't stay long." It is to hard to admit when you're a failure and you feel like one.

What do you do when you have nowhere to go? I have been there before and I didn't know. Like last year when I got that call from mom, I had nowhere I could go and it hurt so bad. I ended up calling my friend Katie B. This time though I turned to family. Nathan was so nice he sat there studying and talked me down and let me tell him why I felt like a failure and how I question my own abilities. My mom called me back too and she helped well I was there. I left around 1 o'clock and thanks to my mom and brother I was in a much better place. I stayed up practically all night to finish my papers, but it's okay. Sometime you have to do what you have to.

It's so hard because I'm not the most confident artist and I haven't been for many years now and I think I am unsure of what I can do still. But what I realized is, is that teacher is like that to everyone, I have heard her say some ruthless things to some of the best artist in our class.

This week in figure drawing we were working with charcoal. I saw a giant centipede on the ground... I hate those things so I put my book-bag on a table away from my seat because I didn't want that thing potentially crawling on my stuff. My figure drawing teacher is kind of a neat guy, he doesn't say much, I very rarely hear him talk to people unless he is actually critiquing. He let's people do their own thing, he reminds me of Cleveland from Family Guy. Well class had just ended and he was speaking to the class about next week. As he spoke he was walking towards me as I was now by the table my book-bag was on, not my seat where my drawing was. I was putting my stuff away and he finished his announcement, then he turned to me. He told me my drawing was really good and that he didn't want to disturb me well I was working and that he was really impressed with my stuff. He told me to keep it up basically. It caught me off guard because he went out of his way and to be honest it made me want to cry a bit. I almost wanted to say to him,
"Really??" instead I just said thank you and listened to what he had to say. After what had happened that was something I desperately needed to hear.

Yea... I know, I know. I am a bit overemotional, but I really believe it sometimes. I believe I shouldn't be an artist and if I I'm not that, then what am I? I'm not good at anything else frankly. Where would that leave me? Supportive people are worth more to me than anything.

People like my boss Wanda, she has been so good to me, giving me time off when I asked to work on projects. Wanda where would I have been without you? Also my friend Gwen who has helped me so much this semester and is an amazing artist. She is working two jobs to go to school here and doing 18 credit hours. Not only that, but she is going through a tough time. Gwen I wish I could be more like you. And as always Katie B. who hits me every time I tell her how I hate myself.

Lastly my bro for letting me come to him when I had nowhere to go and mom who ALWAYS comes though.

On the upside of life for this month I got to hang out with lots of awesome people. I also got some movies, Mulan, The Swan Princess, Dragonball, The Office Season 3... oh and Legend of The Seeker on DVD. Wait... have I not talked about that show on here yet? That's a shock!? Legend of The Seeker is this really cool medieval show that came out last year and I got really into it. I also dragged my friend Jay into it. Anyways it's on hulu a lot, I first found it on accident when I was visiting home last year, around this time actually. Something else had been on the TV at home and then Seeker just came on. I was doing homework and I wasn't paying attention at first. Even Nate's friend was like, "What is this show?" and I said, "I dunno you can change it." She didn't though. Anyways I started to pay attention because I saw awesome sword fighting and a female character was fighting! I dunno, I watched it one other time and then kinda forgot about it, then one day saw it on hulu many months later. Basically was obsessed with it after that. It's based of the Sword of Truth books. Actors are really good. Female character actually fights and she is just as good as the male. Here's a pic of them, [link] I think she is so pretty and he is quite attractive in my opinion. Alright I'm a dork. Just watched the new episode of Season 2 actually. Other T.V. stuff... Bleach has been awesome, Rukia got to fight and KILL an Espada. That made me happy and The Office wedding was adorable. Other good stuff... made videos, but one won't let me put it on youtube with audio because of the song. It's for my friends, so if any of you have not seen it, heres the link, it's on photobucket, the audio is bad, but at least it's there. [link]

Well that's about it. I guess this is long. Should have known, I mean it has been forever since I have done a journal. Oh! Summarize the last bit of good news, I'm coming home and I'll get to ride! I'm going to get to ride home with Amber and get to see Jazzy and pumpkin! And lastly I'm going to see friend's soon, Pie giving is acomin!

Thank you for reading I luv you all. <3 Ms. KtK ^^

Look, I'm sitting here and I'm just not sure why I'm so emotional right now.. Okay that's a lie I do know. But I can't say it, for fucks sake! It's driving me nuts! But I can't fucking say it. I'm too scared. I never realized how scared I am until now. I practically let fear run my whole god damn life! What the hell. I never noticed until now. I don't know what to do. I never realized I can't say things because I'm always afraid. I don't say how I feel, I don't do what I want to do, I let myself get hurt and stepped on, I let myself sit here and rot away. Why, do I do this to myself? In almost every aspect of my life. I have made very few brave decisions in my life.

One was going to this school. And I question it everyday. I'm so unsure about my life and my career and if I'll make it in the real world. What happened to my motivation and my will. I just don't understand. I don't think I realized at the time what I was doing. I'm just so god damn scared.

One of the few I can think of was Hank. I was so afraid of him at first and I hated him so fucking much. That god damn horse and I fought so hard and i just wanted to send him back! But I didn't, I rose to that challenge. That was one of the few successes of my life and god dammit it was probably one of the last times I felt truly alive. When I really think about it that whole journey changed who I was as a person. I was so antisocial before that, so integrated and so god damn depressed before Hank came along and brought me back again. But now... I'm just afraid again, even in my riding. God dammit I'm sorry Hank.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time because I finally see. It's so stupid really. hahaha. yea. it is. I should have noticed how easy it was for me to be with Mike. Because it was so fucking safe. Yea, cause I never fell in love with him. How stupid. But it was hard to break up with him once I realized I wasn't going to fall in love with him. I'm so fucking sorry Mike. But now it hurts a lot. Yea being safe makes me sick. It makes me sick inside. SIck. Fucking sick.

I'm even to fucking scared to tell the horrible truth when it stares me right in the face. I was so afraid, that my mind played a trick on me. It went right into straight up denial and I didn't even see it. I made up reasons for how it could be not what I thought it was... well I was holding the stupid bottle in my hand. What an idiot and I was to afraid to admit the truth and I covered a lie for a week. C'mon now. Get with it. There is no excuse for that one, your an adult now.

The only secrets I've kept are the same secrets about myself that nobody knows. Those are my only real secrets. Cause I can't be honest with my self inside. All the rest is just unspoken, has not been confronted.

I'm so afraid of what everyone else is going to think of me. And I'm so afraid people are going to disown me. It's already happened once, twice, three times.... more... even recently and I didn't stop it. Because I was to scared to fight for it. I just felt like it would be safer to give up, but it still hurts. I wanta defend myself and what I believe and the people I care about, but really I am just to scared too. What the fuck. I'm so afraid of losing the people who are so important to me. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Yes. I'm to scared to do it. I'm sorry I'm such a coward guys.

I'm too scared to be honest with my own feelings.

I am to scared to really put myself out there. How do I get over this? Please I don't want to live this way. Gawd... I'm sorry, it just hit me. If you want to know why I'm upset? Please don't worry nothing has happened. And I mean it NOTHING. I just realized something, I actually have been realizing it for about the last week and a half. Yea that's it. Just this last week.

That's all this is, an internal epiphany about myself that made me finally understand how most of my actions are based on my fears. And I'm to scared to say what my epiphany was. Figures... right?