It has been a while since I could bring myself to say anything. The truth is life has just been overbearing in many different aspects. Hahaha I'm sorry. I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense and I'm not sure if it's going to be long, I'm not sure what I'm going to say. If you get right down to it I'm just not so sure about anything. Jeeze... that sounds pitiful, doesn't it? Again I'm sorry, this whole October has been like trudging an emotional mountain. It's a constant struggle, often full of rock slides that hit me down a ledge. Some hit me so hard they injure me causing the rest of my climb back up to be slow and painful to the point that I wonder why continue on? But then on the rare occasion I find a small hidden path that makes the climb a bit easier it gives me that little bit of hope I need to continue on the journey. And of course there are the reaching hands and arms of the people that surround me. They of course busy themselves with their own climb, and yet they find time to aid me in mine. Their eyes follow me, willing me not to give up because I can feel how I affect them as they affect me. But it's just so hard. I look at my hands, what are they capable of? Anything? It's so frustrating.....*sigh* If you misunderstand all my useless analogies, I'll clear it up right now... I'm talking about my art and going to this school.

Of course that is not all I speak of. It has been a very busy month quite frankly. I have had a visitor every single weekend of October, with one exception in the middle of the month. Which is good ya know, but at the same time, kind of not. The first weekend I had three friends come up here, Julie, Danny and Jay courtesy of his van. The next weekend my mom came up and we went to the quarter horse congress and we got free tickets to the PBR (professional Bull Riding) with purchase of new Ariot boots, which I desperately needed. What's funny about this is my mom started watching the PBR on T.V. when I went to college and there was nothing good on during the writers strike.... and she's really into it now. She knew who all the cowboys were and even some of the bulls and man... was she excited. It was pretty fun and cool to watch honestly. The following weekend was the only weekend nobody came and visited that month, wasn't very interesting. The next weekend my mom came to visit me again and this time we went to the Circleville Pumpkin Festival. It was really fun and I have pictures, I love hanging out with my mom. Finally the last weekend, the weekend of Halloween. I hosted another pumpkin carving party at my apartment with lots of food and movies again. Then the next day Jay came to visit me on Halloween. This weekend I'm alone. Its both good and bad. I need to be alone so I can work better, but being alone is also, well... lonely.

I guess what I realized at the end of last weekend is that I am very homesick. It hit me so suddenly. Sometimes it's just so hard that I'm not sure how much more i can take. Like a pathetic child all I want is to come home and forget it all. Go back to my life, the life where I work and ride and can be completely myself. Sometimes... I don't know, even sanctuary seems to be tainted with a different kind of curse. Bad summer, where am I really at home? It all just hurts and resort to just calling my mom and crying to her on the phone. Well that was last week, this is this week and I am going home finally next weekend. The reason's aren't to great, Hank has been having on and off lameness issues. The vet is coming in on Friday to give him x-rays. Lately he hasn't appeared off, but he is also on bute currently (horsie advil). My mom is going to take him off a few days before I'm home and I am going to ride him on the Thursday when I come home and maybe even Friday before the vet comes, because they asked us to. I must thank Carly for watching after my boy and whipping him to shape when he is being a jerk.

Although I am very worried about Hank I am so happy to be going home. I want to see him so bad, I am itching so bad to ride him again. He has been giving Danielle a hard time and I want to kick his ass and kiss him at the same time. Gawd I miss the jerk. Amber and I worked it out so that we can come home together. ^^ I am so happy in the way of relief. I miss my home so much so that dreamed we were leaving this weekend. It's been two months. I dunno how A.J. does it, only someone like her could.

One of the reasons I know i just need to get away from here is one of my classes and the teacher in it. I'm not sure, but two weeks ago I got the feeling that she thinks I can't draw. That really disturbed me even more then I thought. I thought I was okay, but after my class as I walked back it consumed my mind no matter how much I tried to drone it out with happy music. I came home and all I could bring myself to do was sleep even though for once I had gotten a full nights rest. I slept for many hours and when I woke the feeling just got worst. I tried to write a paper, but I couldn't think. Soon the realizations started to take hold and I began to pace my apartment. I felt like I couldn't breath right and I was shaking. I was having a sudden panic attack. My conscious throwing out things that just made it worst, things like,
"I knew it. Why are you here? You're no good. You don't belong here. You're wasting time and money. They think so and you yourself know so."
I guess I can be pretty self mutilating when I want to be. I don't mean to be, but this thought often rings in my mind every time I screw up.
"I hate myself"
What's with this complex? Is that normal? I didn't use to do that, but I do now. One other thought I hear in my head,
"It's like a bad dream."
As I was panicking I just kept thinking those things to the point where I felt the room closing in on me. I tried to call my mom I needed someone to help me, but she didn't answer. I texted my brother. I just couldn't stand it though, I had to get out of my apartment and so I went to my car. Not knowing where I was going, it was already 11 o'clock at night and I had class the next day. Seriously what was I thinking? But Nathan came through, he texted me back and said he was doing an alnighter studying for anatomy and so I called him. Trying not to cry well driving and talking on the phone. Just asked him if he was busy or if people were with him. He said no, so then I asked if I could just come by for a bit. He said yes and asked me what was wrong. I just choked up and said, "I dunno. Can I just come by please, I won't stay long." It is to hard to admit when you're a failure and you feel like one.

What do you do when you have nowhere to go? I have been there before and I didn't know. Like last year when I got that call from mom, I had nowhere I could go and it hurt so bad. I ended up calling my friend Katie B. This time though I turned to family. Nathan was so nice he sat there studying and talked me down and let me tell him why I felt like a failure and how I question my own abilities. My mom called me back too and she helped well I was there. I left around 1 o'clock and thanks to my mom and brother I was in a much better place. I stayed up practically all night to finish my papers, but it's okay. Sometime you have to do what you have to.

It's so hard because I'm not the most confident artist and I haven't been for many years now and I think I am unsure of what I can do still. But what I realized is, is that teacher is like that to everyone, I have heard her say some ruthless things to some of the best artist in our class.

This week in figure drawing we were working with charcoal. I saw a giant centipede on the ground... I hate those things so I put my book-bag on a table away from my seat because I didn't want that thing potentially crawling on my stuff. My figure drawing teacher is kind of a neat guy, he doesn't say much, I very rarely hear him talk to people unless he is actually critiquing. He let's people do their own thing, he reminds me of Cleveland from Family Guy. Well class had just ended and he was speaking to the class about next week. As he spoke he was walking towards me as I was now by the table my book-bag was on, not my seat where my drawing was. I was putting my stuff away and he finished his announcement, then he turned to me. He told me my drawing was really good and that he didn't want to disturb me well I was working and that he was really impressed with my stuff. He told me to keep it up basically. It caught me off guard because he went out of his way and to be honest it made me want to cry a bit. I almost wanted to say to him,
"Really??" instead I just said thank you and listened to what he had to say. After what had happened that was something I desperately needed to hear.

Yea... I know, I know. I am a bit overemotional, but I really believe it sometimes. I believe I shouldn't be an artist and if I I'm not that, then what am I? I'm not good at anything else frankly. Where would that leave me? Supportive people are worth more to me than anything.

People like my boss Wanda, she has been so good to me, giving me time off when I asked to work on projects. Wanda where would I have been without you? Also my friend Gwen who has helped me so much this semester and is an amazing artist. She is working two jobs to go to school here and doing 18 credit hours. Not only that, but she is going through a tough time. Gwen I wish I could be more like you. And as always Katie B. who hits me every time I tell her how I hate myself.

Lastly my bro for letting me come to him when I had nowhere to go and mom who ALWAYS comes though.

On the upside of life for this month I got to hang out with lots of awesome people. I also got some movies, Mulan, The Swan Princess, Dragonball, The Office Season 3... oh and Legend of The Seeker on DVD. Wait... have I not talked about that show on here yet? That's a shock!? Legend of The Seeker is this really cool medieval show that came out last year and I got really into it. I also dragged my friend Jay into it. Anyways it's on hulu a lot, I first found it on accident when I was visiting home last year, around this time actually. Something else had been on the TV at home and then Seeker just came on. I was doing homework and I wasn't paying attention at first. Even Nate's friend was like, "What is this show?" and I said, "I dunno you can change it." She didn't though. Anyways I started to pay attention because I saw awesome sword fighting and a female character was fighting! I dunno, I watched it one other time and then kinda forgot about it, then one day saw it on hulu many months later. Basically was obsessed with it after that. It's based of the Sword of Truth books. Actors are really good. Female character actually fights and she is just as good as the male. Here's a pic of them, [link] I think she is so pretty and he is quite attractive in my opinion. Alright I'm a dork. Just watched the new episode of Season 2 actually. Other T.V. stuff... Bleach has been awesome, Rukia got to fight and KILL an Espada. That made me happy and The Office wedding was adorable. Other good stuff... made videos, but one won't let me put it on youtube with audio because of the song. It's for my friends, so if any of you have not seen it, heres the link, it's on photobucket, the audio is bad, but at least it's there. [link]

Well that's about it. I guess this is long. Should have known, I mean it has been forever since I have done a journal. Oh! Summarize the last bit of good news, I'm coming home and I'll get to ride! I'm going to get to ride home with Amber and get to see Jazzy and pumpkin! And lastly I'm going to see friend's soon, Pie giving is acomin!

Thank you for reading I luv you all. <3 Ms. KtK ^^

Look, I'm sitting here and I'm just not sure why I'm so emotional right now.. Okay that's a lie I do know. But I can't say it, for fucks sake! It's driving me nuts! But I can't fucking say it. I'm too scared. I never realized how scared I am until now. I practically let fear run my whole god damn life! What the hell. I never noticed until now. I don't know what to do. I never realized I can't say things because I'm always afraid. I don't say how I feel, I don't do what I want to do, I let myself get hurt and stepped on, I let myself sit here and rot away. Why, do I do this to myself? In almost every aspect of my life. I have made very few brave decisions in my life.

One was going to this school. And I question it everyday. I'm so unsure about my life and my career and if I'll make it in the real world. What happened to my motivation and my will. I just don't understand. I don't think I realized at the time what I was doing. I'm just so god damn scared.

One of the few I can think of was Hank. I was so afraid of him at first and I hated him so fucking much. That god damn horse and I fought so hard and i just wanted to send him back! But I didn't, I rose to that challenge. That was one of the few successes of my life and god dammit it was probably one of the last times I felt truly alive. When I really think about it that whole journey changed who I was as a person. I was so antisocial before that, so integrated and so god damn depressed before Hank came along and brought me back again. But now... I'm just afraid again, even in my riding. God dammit I'm sorry Hank.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time because I finally see. It's so stupid really. hahaha. yea. it is. I should have noticed how easy it was for me to be with Mike. Because it was so fucking safe. Yea, cause I never fell in love with him. How stupid. But it was hard to break up with him once I realized I wasn't going to fall in love with him. I'm so fucking sorry Mike. But now it hurts a lot. Yea being safe makes me sick. It makes me sick inside. SIck. Fucking sick.

I'm even to fucking scared to tell the horrible truth when it stares me right in the face. I was so afraid, that my mind played a trick on me. It went right into straight up denial and I didn't even see it. I made up reasons for how it could be not what I thought it was... well I was holding the stupid bottle in my hand. What an idiot and I was to afraid to admit the truth and I covered a lie for a week. C'mon now. Get with it. There is no excuse for that one, your an adult now.

The only secrets I've kept are the same secrets about myself that nobody knows. Those are my only real secrets. Cause I can't be honest with my self inside. All the rest is just unspoken, has not been confronted.

I'm so afraid of what everyone else is going to think of me. And I'm so afraid people are going to disown me. It's already happened once, twice, three times.... more... even recently and I didn't stop it. Because I was to scared to fight for it. I just felt like it would be safer to give up, but it still hurts. I wanta defend myself and what I believe and the people I care about, but really I am just to scared too. What the fuck. I'm so afraid of losing the people who are so important to me. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Yes. I'm to scared to do it. I'm sorry I'm such a coward guys.

I'm too scared to be honest with my own feelings.

I am to scared to really put myself out there. How do I get over this? Please I don't want to live this way. Gawd... I'm sorry, it just hit me. If you want to know why I'm upset? Please don't worry nothing has happened. And I mean it NOTHING. I just realized something, I actually have been realizing it for about the last week and a half. Yea that's it. Just this last week.

That's all this is, an internal epiphany about myself that made me finally understand how most of my actions are based on my fears. And I'm to scared to say what my epiphany was. Figures... right?

School has been alright I'd be lying if I didn't say it wasn't stressful at all. Just has not been as bad as it was last year thus far. Oh! I wanted to mention that I'm trying to post up my old work that I never posted from my previous semester if you had not already noticed. Something I should have done a long time ago... Sorry, just got very behind with all this stuff. So hopefully more art to come.

Lets see... last weekend I went home, I got to ride Hank two days. I saw Carly with my mom and we caught up. Went to Amber's party which was a BLAST! Hung out with Julie and Jay after. Worked on the shelf and showed it to Jay. Saw Ish and Carson before I left. Oh and I was given something to hang onto. Something very special. Got soaked two times, before I left and after I got back in Cbus.... the second time I really got drenched. Oh also got the first Bleach movie and the first two seasons of The Office.

Onto my stories... so Thursday was my good friend Kaite B.'s 21st Birthday! Yay! Well anyways Kaitlan, Pei and Simone had planned her a party for that night and all were going to make A+ dishes for her. I took them to the store.... but Katie was so good to me last year that I had to do something for her too. I don't cook, but I attempted to make these little bread appetizers my dad always makes for holidays. People thought they were pretty good, of course they didn't compare to Simone's dip or Pei's homemade ice cream cake. Awwww welll... lot more people came then expected and we had a Disney Princess theme. I was wearing 5 tiaras by the end of the night. I saw a lot of new faces and some old ones I have not seen in a long time. It was really fun! Got home late and crashed.

Then last night we decided to go out officially for Katie's Birthday. Just us girls, Simone, Katie B. Pei, Kaitlan and myself. We walked to this bar and restaurant called the Tip Tap. Katie got her drink of course and it was fun, but we had a crowd of these rowdy drunks right next to us, so stereotypical. All of them were loud except the two men sitting right next to us... They weren't drinking as much, but what was really disturbing was the one sitting behind Katie kept turning around to look at me. He certainly was robbing the cradle if you ask me. I tried to ignore it, but it was difficult when he was turning his body and boring his eyes into me. His drunk friend kept asking him why he was hanging out outside and asked him why he would not drink more. Katie was able to hear him say something about 'offending these young ladies', referring to us. At one point before we left I wanted to be sure I was right and I met eye contact with him and then I slammed my eyes shut. Wowww, it kind of freaked me out. When we left I told the others and Simone had noticed it too! So it wasn't in my head... weird. after that we walked back and had s'mores and then played Rockband at my place. I'm getting good at the guitar. To end the night we headed back to Katie's to watch He's Just Not That Into You, and we all fell asleep on Katie and Pei's love seat and futon during the movie. I'm not sure when everyone else fell asleep I was the first out... I woke up at 3:26 and they were all asleep too. I just fell right back into my dream-state. When we all awoke at 4:00 a.m. Pei went to bed and Kaitlan, Simone and myself went home, leaving the Birthday girl with the futon all to herself. It was a great night other than the stranger at the bar.

Just wait... one more story. So Thursday something was brought up by Katie about this friend of mine. Katie is one of those people you can talk to about anything and she can read people. She is a genuinely good person and quite honestly I don't know what I'd of done without her last year. On to my point, there was this girl there who were both friends with, well I have not known her long, but her name is Jen. She has this really close guy friend who told her he liked her some time ago. Katie has been following the story much better then I have, but apparently her and this guy are not together. In fact he had a very serious relationship that ended a little recently. They are very close in fact she told me she can talk to him about anything. And when she spoke about him Katie started laughing and just asked flat out,
"Are you guys in love!?" Jen didn't answer, she just got embarrassed and shook her head. She told Katie to shut up, but she was laughing too. Katie just went on, "Oh my god you guys are so in love! I knew it! Your in love! You guys love each other!" I was surprised myself and I asked her if it was true. She had a hard time answering. It was weird... it was like it had just dawned on her that she did love him when Katie said that to her. I asked her myself and all she said was she couldn't stop thinking about him lately and she knows he cares about her. What I also thought was strange was that nothing had ever transpired between them romantically. Made me think, can that really happen like that? Well I been watching The Office a lot lately and that is kind of how it happens between Jim and Pam. I know, I know... that is a T.V. show though... it's just that I like to believe in those kinds of things. Well... turns out there together as of today. And I'm really happy for her. Makes me kinda wish I had a boy right now, but I'm alright with being single. Ya know Katie B. your pretty amazing even when your not trying to be, Happy Birthday.

Lastly I got Sailor Moon figurines from A.J. for my Birthday because she is the best, literally! That's pretty much the end of my weekend stories for now. Any thoughts for those who read. Luv ya all, miss ya all.
MsKtK

Note: This journal was so long I divided into categories.... I dunno why XD

I am so excited right now, I'm shaking... actually I think that is just from the hot chocolate I just had. 0.0.... who knows! Well anyways I must tell you all about my first week back at CCAD and Cbus.

APARTMENT:
Well first of all as I think I have already said I really like my new apartment, it's called Grant Oaks. It IS smaller, BUT it is very cute and cozy. And strangely it is considerably cool even though it is on the 2nd floor and there is no air conditioning. I think that is due to all the cross breeze I get, because my building is on the very end and it has SIX windows!

Unfortunately after getting here I realized I had forgotten to bring a lot of things. For starters my dreamcatcher, my bulletin board, my bike, my electric pencil sharpener and my Rukia plushie. Yea... other than the objects I left behind I'm all settled in.

Other positives about my new apartment, it is a little bit closer to the school, only by a block, but trust me, it makes a difference. About 50% of Grant Oaks occupants are CCAD students, that includes Sami Nummi, Kaitlan Hyland, Pei (who was one of my first roommates freshman year) Katie B., Simone and the list goes on and on! What's also great about this is I know most of my neighbors and it makes it a safer and more trusting environment; there is always people out and about at all hours of the night, my people, CCAD people. For example, I went to the school tonight and how it use to be is, I would have someone to walk with me back until we got to Grant Oaks. Then all my friends would be home, but I still would have to walk another block, alone, at night, in the heart of downtown.... But today we all walked back together and I didn't have to make any lone trips, mom you can breath a sigh of relief, okay. I'm not going to get jumped then raped, then strangled and left for dead in a dumpster.

Three more positives to the new place, my car is locked up in garage with a gate and guards (no breaking windows and radio thefts, yay!), there is visitor parking (no more 10 dollars in quarters, yay!) and the library is practically right outside my door. (....YAY!!) Snowflake, my kitty is settling in very nice as well. Oh and for those who don't know I accidently killed Mario (I felt horrible I had a bad dream about it and everything) my goldfish who was Omar's descendent. So.... at fair Deanna and I won new feeder fish. My new one is tiny and very orange. (just like Omar was *tear*)Mom and I decided it's a her and her name is Gidget.

Oh wow, I'm writing so much about the apartment and I have not even started on everything else that has happened this week, this might be long -.-. Sorry I just like to talk and write, last thing on the apartment, I swear! Amy, a girl who works in the mailroom with me and who is a senior lives right across from me! Okay I'm done on the apartment now!

FAIR:
So mom and I got to cbus and the apartment late Saturday evening... ya see we were suppose to leave a lot earlier, but the night before... well, I had people over my house and of course Hank went lame at the fair right then. Swear to gawd every year at fair something bad happens to Hank, sickness or lameness. Anyways, my mom was still at the fairgrounds along with MY CAR, because people blocked me in and so I had taken my mom's car home to make it there in time for the people coming over. So Saturday mom and I got the car loaded and then went to go see Hank at the fair. He was still pretty lame when I saw him, but he had a long week. Word is that he is doing better already now that he is home and had a break. Not going to lie I had already been sad Friday and hearing about Hank when I was suppose to leave and then other things that happened brought me to tears when everyone was over. But I ran away so nobody would see me.

Mom and I also got one last funnel cake well at the fair and said all our goodbyes to everyone, well me really. Honestly it was really depressing for me, Friday was the worst day, before I knew it I was going to be coming back....I got very sad about leaving Hank. But in truth it had been a good week for me, that fair. I hung out and helped Deanna all week, I helped Susan on Tuesday, I got to show myself on Wednesday! Martha, my friend and instructor for years and years came by to watch me too! Susan and I did generation gap and we got a 2nd and a 6th, and we had a lot of stiff competition. Oh also momo and her family, Mikey, Danny and Jay also came to watch me... oh and Deanna was my slave on the day I showed! Later in my classes I got a 5th and a 1st! What excited me about the 1st was Kenna was in that class, very good rider and my advisor. I admire her and Martha so much, my two riding heros!

VERSATILITY AT FAIR:
Then thursday night I ended up being Deanna's groom for versatility with Kenna and it was so fun. We dressed up as construction workers with hard hats and ya see it rained a ton that day. The arena was a mud pit, the middle was like a puddle! And well... between the last change in versatility, Kenna and I had just about nothing to do so I just brought a chair and sat down. But we still had to wait the ten minutes and I think it was boring for the crowd so.... the announcer lady yelled first grooms to the middle wins! So of course Kenna and I ran to the middle of the areana just short of the mud put. THEN the lady goes, NOW JUMP IN IT! Now ya see I wasn't planning on jumping in that mud, but uh.. Kenna had different plans for me. She thought that would be fabulous, so what did I do? I ran from her! Before I knew it we were the circus side show! At one point I picked up Deanna's bucket of water and threatened to throw the water onto Kenna. Then she tried to snatch it out of my hand but I fought her for it and kicked it over so she couldn't thow the water on me either. Then! THEN! She took the bucket, walked over to the huge puddle of mud and scooped up the bucket full of it to throw at me! FUCK! I ran! The crowd and announcer of course were encouraging her to get me! What the HELL did I do to you people?! Kenna's pretty strong, but I was like,
"You may be stronger than me, but you can't CATCH me!" At one point the announcer mentioned safty and Kenna just pointed to her hard hat and was like,
"Yea! Safty! See kids, HELMET, SAFE!" Damn shes good! Finally after what seemed like an eternity of running from Kenna in front of all these people under the lights, the 10 minutes were up and they began contesting. In the end of Versatility Deanna and Rambo got fourth over all! Hank and Jenna got 8th which was good because Hank got second in his horsemanship class! (that's western, Hank doesn't so western) He would have probably placed high in Equitation, but Jenna got a DQ because she did the pattern totally wrong. The best award of all though was mine and Kenna's, LOUDEST GROOMS! Yay! We got plastic flutes as our prize! Then Brook, a 14 year old girl in the club came up behind Kenna and silly stringed her... Guess what happened to her? IN THE MUD! HA! At least it wasn't me! XD Sorry Brook, but you weigh like 90 lbs, your a goner!

LAST OF FAIR:
Lastly to top off Fair, Friday the day I was so very sad about leaving Hank and dawdled all day about leaving, guess who showed up? A very amazing person, someone who I owe a lifetime of gratitude too, without whom I would not only have Hank in my life, but own him as well. Amanda, Hank's previous owner. The girl who gave me her horse free of charge, made a dream of mine come true, one that I wished on a shooting star no doubt. It was so good to see her and she looked really good. Amanda was like a sister to me when I first started leasing Hank because we would argue like we were related at the shows . I saw her and her grandmother and that truly made the fair great for me, even though it wasn't my fair to be had. My final day at the fair I gave Hank lots of lovings, bought Susan a little plushie of a gray horse that kinda resembled Hank and had one last funnel cake with mom... then it was off to Cbus!

Long, long long! I'm sorry so much has happened, just a lot to say. Anyone still with me? Well if ya are, it's very appreciated. I just love to write, I could make a book with all my journal entries. HA like anybody would read that book.

SUNDAY BACK IN CBUS:
Well come Sunday night in Columbus, mom and I got me some groceries and then we went out to eat together one last time. Then mom had to go, it was funny she didn't want to leave, but I assured her I was okay. I was ready to be on my own again. After she left I went to visit Jess in her new living quarters, she moved into the brand spankin new dorms on campus. There pretty damn nice and her room was cool, lots of anime/video game posters, plushies and trinkets. Ya know Jess is awesome, I dunno why I don't hang out with her more! After a while I went back to my new 'home' and went to sleep.

MONDAY FIRST DAY:
First day Monday was pretty nice. To start the day I had work at 7:45 in the morning... Man I forgot how much I missed the mailroom and Wanda. I am truly blessed because I got the best job on campus, a mom away from my mom and great friends there. See we had this lunch in thing as a reunion, which was great because I only had three bucks anyways XD could not afford food. We had watermelon, cantaloupe, cucumbers, broccoli, carrots, veggie dip, strawberries, peach cobbler, ice cream and subway sandwiches. It was so good and the nicest thing was they surprised me! In the mailroom we celebrated everyones Birthday and since mine was over the summer I didn't think about it. But all of the sudden they made me wear this hat and started singing to me and Katie B. showed up behind me with cupcakes someone made. It was such an awe moment Yea I'm a very lucky person, there is pics of it on facebook!

After the mailroom I was off to my first class of the semester at 12:30, illustrative Drawing. Well, for this class I didn't know it, but we were going to the freaking zoo! Actually will be going there every week for some time. I have wanted to go to the Columbus zoo for a long time now and it was pretty awesome! (Reese I was so jealous XD) It's a six hour class and since it was the first day we were just kind of suppose to get to know the place, but in the future it will be draw, draw, draw and don't stop. Oh! And it was a good thing I had those three dollars on me, because I needed at least two to get in... Man that could have been bad.

After my six hour class I had one more to go right after. Marketing, sounds like a bore right? At least to most of us artist... well you couldn't be more wrong! Not when Artie Issac as your professor. First of all the class has about thousand people in it and is usually in the auditorium, but it was being used. This guy was great and I had already heard that actually, so animated and he wears a bow tie. Think I'm in love.... nah! Just kidding, but its a fantastic class and I found out Katie and Simone are in it too! Could not see them the first day though, to many people in that little room. After marketing my first day was finally over at 8 p.m. talk about longggg, but good, def good.

TUESDAY:
That night I visited Sami and Kaitlan. Just went home after that and stayed up to late balancing my checkbook. Finally went to bed very very late. Tuesday I thought I was suppose to be at the mailroom at 9:30, that's what the schedule Wanda emailed me said. woke up at 8:00 and got in the shower,but my phone went off. I thought it was just my alarm so I hit the end button without looking, but like 10 minutes later it went off again. Confused by this I looked at my phone and I saw I had a voicemail... hmm... it was Wanda.
"Kaitie King where are you, you were suppose to be here a half an hour ago." So I Call her back confused,
"But Wanda my schedule says 9:30."
"Hun, I never have people in at 9:30."
"But, ... but, uh... i'll be there soon." I showed up and turns out it wasn't my fault. My schedule was different from Wanda's, turns out she changed it again and forgot to tell me. I knew I wasn't crazy! Work until 3:30 and then went to my Illustration Styles and Concepts class. This is the only class I'm not to sure about, I've heard things about the instructor, she's a little asian lady, seems nice... Megan Stropki is in there with me, so that's cool. After that I was done, cool right? Went home and attempted to do some homework, reading for my screenwriting class. My teacher emailed us... well only thing is... I was sleepy. I passed out at like 7:00 p.m. well tryin to read it. What I feel bad about is, it was Pei's Birthday and I slept right through Katie B. call about coming over and having cake. Aww but it was okay, didn't really wake up until the next day.

WEDNESDAY:
Wednesday I had my 8:00 a.m. class, which was figure drawing. My teacher seemed really laid back and I like that a lot. A nice guy and we started drawing a model that day. How nice, getting started right away. Little rusty, but I think I did alright, I'm going to post my sketches from it hopefully this weekend and other things too. Drawings, artwork, and pics of the apartment. I meant to post a bunch this summer but never did! I'm sorry! After that class it was right to Sociology... that may also sound boring to some, but again very wrong. First of all I thrive on these kind of sciences and second is that my teacher is awesome again. Very nice and funny lady, also very laid back and a good teacher. After that class I got a three hour break before my next class. So I went home, ate and finished reading the script of the movie On The Waterfront, a classic mob movie. Sounded pretty good actually (only reason I fell asleep the day before well reading it was because I was exhausted still from fair, moving and staying up late), then I was off to screenwriting. This class also has an awesome teacher, she seems fun and again laid back. Screenwriting is just what I need, so I can get really into our movie . After that I was done for the day, went home played Sims 3, did homework. haha.

THURSDAY
Thursday was a very easy day for me. All I had was one class... actually I have a lot of days like that... Humorous Illustration at 8:00 a.m. This teacher I already knew and he is a very cool guy. Actually he had horses and he told us from now on we show up at 8:30 because he lives so far away that he can't get in before 8 all the time... SWEET! Oh and a lot of people are in my class including Megan again. He gave us our assignment and ended the class very early, just for that day so we could get started. I actually went home because the class was suppose to end at 10:50 and then I had work at 11:00, but I still had TWO hours. Looked at Bleach pics (obsessed) found some good ones. Including one of Gin Ichimaru that was pretty hot (look in favs there are other characters too) I remembered Maggie always loved Gin, so I decided to send her the pic link via myspace. Truthfully I was kind of afraid to do it, but I was being silly. The pic made me think of her and it was just something I wanted to do after all she sent me a Happy Birthday text on my Birthday. Went to work, it was fun with Ruth again, I always enjoy Ruth. Came back home at 12:30. Had the whole day in front of me. So I drew stuff and colored. Later I got a message back from Maggie and a friend request and I gotta say I was pretty happy about that.

As if that wasn't enough later that night I can't remember how, but I started thinking about when I lived in California. Thought about the friends I had there, it was so long ago... third grade and it was only for nine months... but those kids welcomed me with open arms at school. One in-particular named Sam. She came up to me my first day and asked,
"Do you want to be my friend?" After everyone left the room for recess. I just nodded my head shyly. From that point on Sam became my best friend in California. She showed me the ropes of my new giant elementary school (schools in CA are WAY bigger, more people) and we hung out as much as possible. She introduced me to handball and she was really good to me. It was pretty sad when one day we ran into her and her mom at Hollywood and I told her I was leaving to go back to Ohio. All I remember her saying was,
"Well I wish you didn't have to go..." I dunno... the memory of Sam and some others, Kia, Tianna, Kelly, Alesica got me wondering... could I perhaps find them on facebook? (switching to present tense) Mannnnn that was so long ago... and I can't even remember any of their last names. I have always been bad with names and I think I was nine years old back then! But why not, it's worth a shot. So i'll look up Rancho Penasquito's (where I lived in Cali) high school... turns out they have like SIX of them! Well I'll just go on facebook and put in Sam's first name and the network, San Diego California. Found two Sam that looked like her. What I did next was start entering the high school names too. When I put in the second high school, one of the girls that I thought could be her came up. Clicked on it, an issue was that she didn't have that on her page, her high school and year she graduated. But... I could look at her friends... chances are if a bunch of her friends graduated in 07 like me then so did she and it was her and maybe I could find other people I remembered. Well turns out I found a kid named Evan... he looked like the same Evan I remembered and he graduated in 07! Went back to the girl's page and also noticed her college graduation was 2011. It's her. It's gotta be, bright blond hair, blue eyes, name is Sam, and the last name looks right. So I'll send her a request. If it is her and if she recognizes me then she will accept it.

This morning it made my day when I saw she not only accepted, but wrote me a message. YAY! Am I creepy for working so hard to find her? Well whatever, I don't care. Sometimes ya always wonder about people and it's just good to know and to let them know. Good friends stay friends even if they have not spoken in over 10 years due to circumstances they could not help

FRIDAY:
And FINALLY! Nearing the conclusion of my longest journal EVER! Had one class today Sociology again and it was very nice. After I had work with Wanda and Katie B. until 5:00. I missed that a lot, Katie and I had some deep discussions about things that happened to us over the summer. Again just like old times as it poured down rain and thunder. Then we walked home together, lucky us! We got out just after the rain ended. Then tonight at 8:30 I headed back to the school to watch the movie Up in the auditorium! I never got to see it so I was very excited and there was also pancakes there... I didn't eat any though. I sat with Jess and wow! That was a great movie and so touching. After that I said goodbye to Jess and walked home with Katie B, Simone, Kaitlan (K-10) and other Grant Oaks/CCAD people as it poured down rain on us! At the end of our walk Katie, Kaitlan and I held hands and jumped in a puddle.... were such dorks, we might as well be three years old. Then we went into Katie's apartment and had homemade banana bread with hot coco. Very good. Pei joined us and I wished her happy belated birthday. Then we just talked all night until about 1:00. Kaitlan and I finally went back to our apartments because Katie and Pei were both tiered. And ya know, I had such a great first week back I had to sit down and write about it.

Thank you for reading, I promise I won't ever write any journal as long as this one ever again. I love to write and it's nice to be happy; to have all these good and amusing things to say. Love you all and I hope your well!

Oh watch this Bleach opening, it my favorite I think, love this song the best!
[link]
for those who know Bleach which opening is your fav?

And thank you Columbus it's like you were calling me hear and now your patting me on the shoulder saying
"Welcome back Kaitie, I promise this year will be better."

Yea shut up! I'm feeling pretty sad right now okay. It's exactly 1:00 a.m. right now and I can't sleep. Fair started today ya see and Hank was trailered to the fairgrounds. Now understand he's not going for me, I'm to old for 4h and I have been for two years now. Hank is the fair project for the two girls leasing him, Jenna and Susan. Mostly Jenna though because this is her last year in 4h, she is now 18 and has graduated from high school and is going off to college. Susan is only 10 and this is her first fair, she is a beginner rider and has many years of 4h and fairs ahead of her; and so for this reason Jenna will be showing in everything she can and Susan will show some walk trot, but Hank is mostly Jenna's for the week. The horses were brought to the fair today, but fair officially begins tomorrow so anyone who is bored should come down.... Although its expensive to get in, 6 bucks... but I'm bored it would be nice to have some company.

Ya see I'm going to try and be there as much as I can, but the thing is I'm not sure why. I won't really be doing anything. Jenna doesn't seem to like it when I'm around, I think I make her nervous and she is always helping Susan so I don't. She doesn't seem to want my help with Hank, but I guess I just wanta be there for him. He has gotten sick so many times in the past during fair and it's going to be really hot this week, I'm just worried. I get mixed signals constantly from the girl and I dunno I'm just really uncomfortable at times. Deanna will be there though so that is kind of a small relief, someone to hang out with, this is her very last fair. I dunno what I'm trying to say.

I'm sorry. I'm kind of sad, I really didn't get to ride much this summer. I had one last week before fair. Fair ends Sunday, but school for me starts Monday ya see so I'll be leaving before fair is even over. That isn't even what bothers me though. I just... I got to ride last Sunday and Monday, but I had to do it kind of unbeknownst to Jenna, because she doesn't like when I ride him the same day as her. Then I pretty much had my move in trip too Cbus and Cincinnati. I just got home Sunday evening around 5:00 and I went to the barn to ride one last time, because I wasn't going to get to before I leave for school other than if I get to show on Wednesday night at fair.

No girth at the barn...
This had happened to me once already when I went to ride the only day I really got too, a Monday. That time someone had taken it after a show on Saturday and never brought it back before that Monday. This time was different, it had already been taken to the fairgrounds before the horse even went. My girth. The only one we had to fit Hank there. I dunno if it was intentional, but I'm sure she didn't want me to ride that night. She kind of flipped out one day when she found out I rode him for like 15 minutes the day after she had a show with him.

I just CAN'T do it okay. I just can't NOT ride him, okay. So I rode him bareback. I haven't gotten to ride Hank much all summer. I went out there every single day the first two months I was home and I only got to ride a handful of times. I was lucky if I got to ride him twice a week. I don't take lessons anymore because I can't afford it. Can't ya see it kills me inside that I can't not be around all year. Can't ya see how self conscious I am about my riding strength. Can't ya see how much it kills me that I can't keep up with him anymore as a good partner does. How sore I am after one little bareback ride. You'll have your splendid last fair and you'll get your shiny ribbons just as you have all summer long. Then you'll get to leave him properly with a goodbye, but will it really matter cause ya don't seem to like him that much. Well I'll get to leave midway through a very hectic and busy week without one last nice relaxing ride. There is so much more I can say, but I'm just going to stop. All I'll say now is, tonight I got to watch a bunch of the girls riding their horses in the cool night under the big lights in the fairgrounds arena, well people walked around preparing for the fair that starts tomorrow. People working their horse, or walking them around to get them use to the lights of the ferris wheel or the strange animal sounds, people riding and chatting, people stopping to watch as many people got in their first ride of the week. All I kept thinking was, I miss that. What a thing the first night of fair with your horse was, one of the most exciting and fun times. I don't think I have ever wanted to ride so badly in my life watching everyone else get to.

I don't mean to sound so down. I'm going to 180% the subject now. I moved into my new apartment and I'm going to put pictures up. I dunno why, but I look at going back to cbus as both a curse and a blessing. I want to get away and I am excited about my new place and stuff. But at the same time I'm so unready to leave, leaving in the middle of fair has thrown me for a loop and I have not gotten to see my friends really much at all since my Birthday on August 4th. Speaking of that... things were up and down. My car broke the day before and was toed to the shop and it was there all day. When I woke up that day nobody was home and I had no car and I also didn't know if anything was really going to happen. So I kinda just waited around all day, kind of stuck until my doorbell rang. Jess! She showed up at my door and she got me Bleach season 3 and ice cream and told me she would take me anywhere. It was great and it made me feel very nice that she did that for me, I'm afraid I wasn't much fun for her, but I thank her deeply ^^. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. Things got better after that, until well I won't say. I had to make a decision, one of those things where you can't make anyone happy again and it cost me as I knew it would. I thought about it for so long it's just until these last few days with moving that it is finally starting to drift out of my mind thankfully because it makes me feel sick. I didn't want to fight anymore with anyone and so I won't.

Change subject again! I start school a week from today and I am very scared, but I'm hopeful and trying my best to be positive. It's hard because I am depressed to about the fair thing and leaving all my friends again and not getting to see them really, but I'm going to try and set one last group date before I go.

On my free time, like now when I can't sleep at 2:12 a.m. I been watching Bleach like no other. Ya see I saw it on T.V. last Sat and saw they were on episode 140.... maaaannnn last episode I had watched was like somewhere during these filler episodes during the bount arc. The show just got kinda boring and hard to keep up with during school. But then Jess getting me Season 3 send me back in full swing. After watching season 3 i started watching all the episodes right after it, where the bount arc starts, even the ones I already saw. And I finally caught up to where it is on T.V. just tonight! Just finished watching episode 142 and am excited about the new episodes next Saturday.

I love Bleach, but man there is so many damn characters with really hard names to say and then all their swords have names... GAH! I'm trying so hard to learn all their names, of course I knew all the main characters.... But all the captains, lieutenants, their swords, other much more miner characters, and all the bad guys that come along... IT'S HARD! It wouldn't be so hard if I could say their names.... a lot of them are long Japanese names that are either hard to say or similar to another characters name in the show. FUCK! I finally memorized all the captains squad number and who their lieutenants are... didn't say I could remember all the names though. Alright whatever!
My favorite character is Rukia.... SHUT UP! I don't care if she doesn't get to do much, I think she is cool. Ya see one day I was wearing my Bleach shirt that I got from my awesome friend Reese and someone at my school asked me who my favorite was and I told her Rukia. She looked at me quizzically and said,
"Really....?"
Uh... yea! Why the hell would I lie?! I know Rukia doesn't get to do much in the beginning, but she has a certain charm about her. She is intelligent and pretty amusing at times and she is tougher then she looks. I mean half of the time she doesn't have any of her powers and she still manages to do things, it's not her fault luck hasn't been on her side. First with the substitute thing giving all her powers to Ichigo, then the gigai she got from Kiske, then they take her into custody and she wears that collar, then the hougyoku being in her body, then during the bount arc that jerk Mabashi takes over her and then to top it off that lesbian bount bitch, (not that I care she was a lesbian, but that was creepy when she went to cut off Rukia's clothing.) Yoshi hunted her down and got a hold of that kid and.... Well okay I am really going off. Sorry I am very defensive of my favorite characters. Well anyways, to end this rant about Rukia, when she finally does get her powers back she is awesome and her sword is by far the prettiest.
SO THERE!
I don't know why, but I notice I tend to always favorite female characters in things watch. I dunno I guess it's like, I'm a girl so I like good female heroines. I can admire them even if there fictional. Not always, but just a lot of the time and I also notice I can't seem to ever like the very main character the most. Just something about it feels blah like... well duh everyone likes him, because I use to like Ichigo, but I just can't like him more then other people. I think it's just because he is the main character, I do like him a lot still. Bleach actually has a ton of likable characters it's hard to find ones I don't like.
Speaking of Rukia other sweet female characters I have a fondness for that deserve a shout out...

Favorite Females

Ran Kotabuki,
Quistis Trepe,
Toph Bei Fong,
Aerith Gainsborough,
Hinata Hyuga
Orlha & Kid,
Kiyone,
Suzuka
Videl Satan,
Ami/Sailor Mercury,
Tetra/Zelda
Kahlan Amnell
Bell

There of course is many other awesome female characters out there, but shouting out to all would take me forever... I notice in Bleach alone I like almost all of them... not quite, but almost. heh yea... Alright I'm done talking tonight. Anyone who read this whole thing.... I commend you