Screw up, that is what I call myself. That us all I seem to be doing lately is screwing up and I really did it this time. First of all I have gotten really behind in my work and it has messed up my whole routine. I did it to myself. I got really depressed for a couple days and I didn't get much done during that time. I have not worked out in forever because I don't have time for the gym and I have messed up my sleep schedule because of it.

This whole week I didn't get much sleep, Monday I just couldn't sleep, bad dreams, as well as late nights working on homework. I feel useless and I'm just scraping by. It's ridiculous why can't I just focus anymore! Then there is you guys, my friends I feel like I never talk to you all anymore. I don't get on my cp much and I have not been calling because I'm so behind in homework. I miss everyone so much. There was one thing I had planned I was going to go see Ish this weekend and I was really excited. I thought Maggie was going to go with me, but she ended up going home with Jay.

Then Wednesday my mom called me my Grandpa had a very serious heart attack he almost didn't make it. He ended up being okay, but he is going to stay in the hospital for a while. My mom, aunt and uncle are going to switch off staying with grandma because she can't be by herself. My brother actually was going home at that time so he went to the hospital too. I was glad my grandpa was okay, but then I kinda realized something. Nathan, my brother was really depressed. I asked him why and he said it hadn't been a good year for him or our family. I think he is still hurt over Anna, but he is true in a sense and I wanted to say otherwise, but I could not. I just didn't want to think that way.


The most embarrassing part is I didn't even get that far. I just was really worried because I was on my own and I wasn't sure of the way. I kept looking at my directions and it was stop and go traffic. And I just didn't stop in time... I pretty much destroyed the front end of my car and I cause two other people damage. I cried mostly out of fear, how could I have done this, such a screw up. I don't think I have ever been so shaky in my life except for the time my blood sugar dropped so suddenly during the jumping at my club's horse show. Now I have to pay a ticket, which I have money for in my savings. My family they don't need this now, to worry about me. Or to worry about how I'm going to even pay for damages if it is even worth. I just might not have a car anymore is all.

My Saturn is from 1993 and it was doing great for how old it was. It never did me wrong, but I sure did it wrong this time. I don't think it can be saved, or at least I or my family can afford it. At least nobody was hurt right? I'll just keep telling myself that. I gotta straighten myself out I really really did it this time. I'm just so fucking tiered of disappointing myself. Why can't I do anything right, ever!