I finally got some time in between classes to get on here and really type out a journal. I need to do this mainly for myself. I just want to say thank you to anybody who reads this and read my last journal and responded. I'm going to delete it because it was over dramatic and ridiculous and I regret ever posting it. I could not even bring myself to respond to anyone. Plus I was out of power for over 5 days when hurricane Ike came rolling through Columbus.
The truth is I am really on the edge right now though. Now despite how I shouldn't say anything I'm going to because it's driving me nuts. I might have to quickly post another journal after this one so a certain someone doesn't see.

It's been just over one year since everything changed. A year ago August so much happened and I wasn't ready and am still not. I turned 19 on the 4th; had my last year of 4-H and my last fair and then had to pretty much give up riding and say goodbye to Hank for about an 8 month period. I had to say goodbye to my hometown alongside with the friends of mine who left as well. I also had to say goodbye to them, and Mike. But before all that something else happen.

That very last fair with Hank, Weds night, Versatility night. I had to prove something that night. That Hank was amazing, I wanted to shoe those petty people that he was capable of greta things. Nothing else mattered. STUPID. It's amazing how blind you can be at times to what's going on right in front of your face when you focus on one thing. My only excuse is I was very emotional, I was leaving and I felt like I let Hank down that night. I came across as a spoiled sport, I feel so stupid I should not have been so concerned with those thoughts. That night my mom told me what was really going on. Can I tell you I really believed my parents didn't drink at all. Neither one of them and they didn't not even casually. There's nothing wrong with having some wine during dinner or opening a beer at home, but they just didn't do that. Well no they didn't do THAT... I'd prefer that over just hiding vodka bottles in your car and always being under the influence to the point that it's your normal. That you can function perfectly, drive, cut the grass, go to work for 5 years without anyone catching on. But someone did catch on, you been getting careless, been getting away with murder for too long. Now if you don't fix it you'll lose your job. Now I go off to college with the shock and I have to try not to think about it. That's pretty hard to do when the first weekend I go back I can already see the difference, which means that I realize it right away when you start drinking again. How could I have been so blind for so long I never suspected a thing, I just though you were like that sometimes.
Now you clean yourself up, and I am really proud. I won't turn against you. But the people at work.... they already have and no matter how hard you work you still suffer the demotion that winter. Now you are going to have to work twice as hard. But you realize that and without a doubt you do. Ridiculous hours, physically demanding for anyone especially for someone of your age. You lose 20 pounds in the process and they just keep piling the work on you. You messed up, and your sorry, but no matter what you do you can't make it right in their eyes. Even if you do in mine. Come a year and they just throw out the lame excuse. And you are done. They don't want you anymore, but they hadn't since they knew the truth. It was just a matter of time, but they didn't even give you a real shot. But where does that leave us?

It leaves us worried, this is the most crucial spot. If you go back to the bottles you will be left alone... I don't want that to happen. Oh gawd I don't.... And I believe in you. You won't go down that path again. But in the meantime well we struggle to get on our feet again what can I do. Does this mean I'll have to lose you Hank, I will not let that happen! Does this mean I won't be returning to my hometown, but to some foreign town that I have to pretend is my home. I won't move, I won't. I already leave everyone I love when I go away to school. I won't do it permanently! Even if it means moving into my own place there. I won't leave Ohio, or Menner area again, I did that once and I was miserable. So it's Columbus and Menner. I don't want to do that, but I will if I have too. I do believe in you, but you can't ask me to do this again.

That's all I have to say, and I gonna either have to delete this or post another journal up fast.
I just needed this for myself, clarity. I gotta go to class