I write this, to say the things that I can not or will not say in words. To say things that run through my mind that can't possibly make sense. I shall write this as if I was writing to you, my old mentor, my friend. I didn't get to see over break and I always say I'm going to call and I never do, but I want to. I just don't know, it's been so long, but you helped me so much. The time spent away and without speaking should not make a bond any weaker. It doesn't for me, but that doesn't mean it's the same for the other person involved. I hate this lesson, I hate losing people. I have let it happen enough times that I know what it feels like. I wonder if the other person ever feels even remotely close to how I feel. I think about reaching out again, but I'm so unsure. Can we bury the past, or not let the time spent away get to us?

I screwed up badly recently. I'm regretful and I know I should not have done what I did. There is no excuse for it, the truth is so blunt and hurtful. I was angry, and I thought the way that I tried to escape my anger was the best choice at the time. I was wrong, it just makes me wonder why. Why did I do that? You ever wonder that? Why do people do what they do? Is it just our personality or do we base all of our choices from past experiences? As a kid I use to let myself get walked all over by my best friend at the time. In her defense she was going through a lot at a young age. But i had my own problems as well and despite how much worst hers were; a wise person once told me don't make your problems insignificant just because your comparing them to your friend's that seem much worst. All that matters is how the person feels about their problems and how it affects them. She didn't have the right to take out some of her anger on me. All I wanted was to be her friend, but most of the time I was met with abuse for years. I use to cry after she left every single time because she hurt me inside. A person can only withstand it for so long. We were growing older and one day I just turned the tables. If being her friend meant being miserable, then I was done. I think I was 13.

She was the first one, I didn't let her go, I pushed her away. After that I had one that I just let slip through my fingers as we aged. I had another who pushed me away. There were a few others too. I still think about them and it still hurts, but Im very different person now. I'm tougher, I think about with regret and i consider trying to reopen the door, but I don't cry. I don't let myself get real sad like I use to. I don't know if I could about them anymore. But I do still do something because of all this. I try my damn hardest not to let any of it happen again. Especially because the friends I have now, rarely hurt me. They help me and make me so happy. I feels safe with them and when were together I don't want them to leave. I always get sad when they have to leave my house, unless it's 5 in the morning and I'm telling them to go. I'd probably to just about anything that I could do for them. In my dreams I (though hesitantly) kill for them, fight zombies for them and risk my life for them. Dreams aren't real of course, but the feelings in the dreams are very real.
I realize though that I sometimes hurt them and I hate that I do that. When I'm hurt or really angry, it just comes out before I can control it. The only way to stop it is to get away fast and cool down before it comes out. I don't think I let myself get that way often. But the other way I get rid of it obviously is just as hurtful, I lash out just as she once lashed out at me. I know it will never be forgotten, but I hope it can be forgiven. Do you think it can?

Thank you old friend, without you there would have been no Hank and without Hank there would be none of these great friends. He gave me a purpose when I really needed one and you helped me stick it out. I changed because of that. I learned to not care and to see who my real friends were and I began to work really hard to try and keep us together. I began to work really hard at a lot of things. I became ambitious. Sometime I think that is partially what literally saved my life.