Writing for me, don’t bother reading if don’t want to.

I was told about something very bad happening Tuesday night, something I’m kicking myself for now, because over spring break I saw the signs. But I wanted to take time to think about what to do next. I told nobody. I took to long, or maybe I was in denial trying to pretend to not see what I saw. Because everything is so fragile already. I didn’t want to push it over the edge and make it shatter. Needless to say when I was told I couldn’t breath right, and I started to shake and I could not stop the tears. I was told not to cry, so I tried my best to stop after I got off the phone I couldn’t stop pacing. I put my coat and shoes on as if I was going to go somewhere, but there was nowhere to go in the middle of downtown Columbus at 10:30 at night. Especially in the state I was in. Someone would prob grab me. So I settled for standing on my doorstep cursing into the night. Just saying fuck, fuck, fuck dammit dammit dammit. As though that would console me. Still pacing sometimes kneeling.

A car pulled up and I headed back inside, but my hand was shaking so much it was hard to put the key in the lock. I got back in my apartment trying to decide what to do next. I called a friend, Katie B. Not to tell her, just to talk to someone who would make me smile and laugh. I’m a good actress, no matter how hard I’m crying and breathing I can disguise it. She still figures out something is bothering me for the straight fact I hadn’t no reason to call her. She says she’ll get it out of me tomorrow I just laugh and we hang up. I felt better for that moment, but then the tears just came back. I still had homework to do and it was quite a struggle to finish it. Could not focus. I speak to my friend Jay when I’m clamer, the conversation is short, but helpfull just as Katie’s was. I talk to Jason and Cahn online things ease enough so I can finish my work.

Next day Im moody and i’d imagine no fun to be around. I was working in the mailroom with my friend Ruth and my boss Wanda. I don’t let on how I’m feeling to much, I just stay quiet. I try to lighten my mood, by doing homework and watching Hank videos. It does help and when I see Katie B. she again makes me smile and laugh. Until she questions me, I leave my body for a second, just a second and my breath hitches. I can feel my face turning red and I can’t speak for a moment. My rapid shaking returns full force. Damn shaking. Her eyes look very surprised by the changes in me. I finally am able to speak and I tell her I don’t want to talk, because I’ll get upset. And it’s dropped, the day goes on. School becomes front and center because it has too. But when I go back to work just as Ruth and I are closing she also ask me. She says I have been off all day. Again my breath is caught and I stutter the words that something bad happen in my family last night. It’s all I can manage to say, she hugs me and tells me she is sorry. I tell her thanks, but I’m sorry because I hope I have not been a bitch all day. We leave the mailroom. I get home and suddenly I cry again and the severe hyperventilating returns. What the hell. I don’t remember the last time I’ve cried like this. Where I really can’t breath. But i control myself and I make it stop. The rest of the day is a blur and I think I felt better.

No more tears I can’t seem to bring them anymore. I never was much of a crier, at least for a girl I always thought. There is a few things that if I think about I’ll cry on the spot. Name one, putting Sheaba down. As I left the room where her body lay, I got one last glance at her as the door slowly shut, through the crack. Then my thoughts spoke, “that’s it, that’s the last time I’ll ever see my dog again.” Then the door shut and it became truth. That was about 2 years ago now and I’ll still cry when I remember. Not many people have seen me cry. I don’t like it, it makes me feel weak. I hate weak. But is not being able to cry a good thing? That makes me seem inhuman and I becoming desensitized? The Sheaba thing didn’t even make me cry right now. That’s a first, I feel like I want to, but the tears just won’t come. WTF.

Whatever I’m gonna get past this. I don’t want to be brought down. But what is gonna happen? I’m so unsure. I dunno what this means. My whole life might be altered from this point on. But its not even MY life I’m worried about. I’m worried. That’s it. I’m worried on top of many other emotions. Angry, sad, betrayed, hurt, confused, guilty. Writing helps me think, writing prioritized my thoughts. I’m gonna try and focus on other things. Friends, School my weight gain -.-. And getting rid of it. Riding when summer comes, working, volunteering. Living. As Katie B. sings to me...

Everything is..... gonna be alright