It seems like lately i just can't stand the person i am anymore. When I think about it I don't feel good about anything I have done. I use to be such an alone individual. I use to spend whole summers alone not calling anyone only seeing like one person outside of school. I grew up like that and I didn't change until my mom pushed me into riding more, until i got to high school and I had good friends. Then all the sudden i was the one calling people and getting people together. But this school year has just beat me to shreds. I feel like I have nothing to be proud of anymore. I feel like all the things I had to deal with just ripped the person I built myself up to be after all these years to shreds. i use to be so sure of things, but I'm so doubtful now. I'm so depressed right now and I don't know what to do about it. What is my purpose anymore? Riding seems like its not really there for me because there is other people leasing my horse and showing him, and i just feel so away from it. I feel out of the picture and every time I come home something seems to be wrong with Hank. I feel so out of shape my self image and all my self conscious feelings are coming back. I feel like some big joke, I broke up with my boyfriend because I have a problem getting close with people. What the hell? I dunno if I'll ever be able to get the relationship thing right. I don't know why but I can't seem to sleep properly anymore I have nightmares that haunt me all night and I wake up sore, or I just take forever to fall asleep. Like right now or I just can't. I blame school for that, the whole year of days without sleep and the hard mattress has fucked up my sleep habits and my head I guess. Thought it would be so nice to be in the simple town of Menner again away from the hell of school and the stresses of the big city. Here with everyone I care about. But I just feel like a big failure. I wish I could make people understand how hard this was for me. I had 3 major breakdowns this year where I just couldn't even breath. That's never happened to me before. The first one was when I came home near the end of 2nd semester and I just didn't know how I was gonna do it. Then the second one was because family. Then the last one was near the last week of school i just had had it with everything. I'm not being over dramatic I'm being sincere. I thought coming home would make everything ok, but its just brought more drama, and fear, And regret, and i can't seem to settle. Please I just don't want hurt inside anymore. I don't want to cry anymore I fucking hate crying. I don't want this sickening feeling anymore. I feel ill.

During the school year I watched a lot of youtube and near the last 2 weeks I found this fan made music video based off a female character on a soap opera. I really like this song and the video. Around my third break down that was pretty much how I felt right then. One of the things that kept my sanity made my self pity lessen, it was just one horrible thing after another that last month or two of school.
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