Real Quick before I start I hope ya all checked out my youtube page and saw some of the videos I put up from new years and Christmas and other random events. (those I'm talkin to ya know who ya are) There was a ton, like 50 or something 0.0! Most are pretty short and the longest ones are like 3 minutes. The one I really want you all to see is this one... [link] Read the lil bio too! Now to the list below!

HAPPY LIST

riding my horse
watchin hank videos --(Danielle made this one of Hank, but I'm in it ) [link]
talkin to mom
eating oranges
hearin from A.J.
talkin to ish
when people visit it me
being organized
certain music
takin pics
getting my friends together
my dogs
my cats
home cooked food
warm baths
tea
organizing
spending a whole day at the barn
drawing pictures
painting
going to the mailroom
seeing my brother
hockey!
horse shows
Hanks reaction when he sees me after I been away
Katie B.
hanging out with my mom
driving and music
walking on campus on a nice day
exercising for a good hour
feeling sore after a long day
cool nights
blue skyes
going to the beach
playing the wii
people telling me things about themselves
helping if i can
talking on and on
writing on and on
trail rides
fall time
getting to lay in my bed
talking to my friends online
talking to any of my friends on the phone
chocolate
Being involved
Being busy
shopping for anime
hearing from an old friend have not talk to in forever

For psychology class I had to do a project where I listed 25 things that make me happy then select 10 and write about why they make me happy. Well I got this assignment during probably one of the worst periods of my life near the end of this semester right in the midst of so many horrible events. I also had a friend named Ruth who worked with me in the mailroom and she came in one day very upset. So I said, "okay okay... how about... I have to list things that make me happy for psychology... so lets do that.", and so I started saying random things out loud. Ruth became amused and started to do it too and what we realized was... it's addicting and it made us happy and it made us laugh and It cheered us right up. We started to do it a lot because we were both having our fare share of troubles as everybody does. We got other people to do it with us, like Katie B. and Megan. I can't explain why, but there is something uplifting about doing this with someone.

Since I have been home things have not been all bad, but things have not always been that great either and I thought they would be. I thought anything would be better than what I had to deal with at school, but some pretty painful things happen here at home too. Of course it's a lot easier to write about the bad things... Because... well... I get emotional... and things just come out unfortunately ^^ yea... sorry about that. I know I can be so dramatic, but it's just how I feel at the time. Right now i feel kind of moody, but I'm trying to make myself feel better. Ya see, I just finished watching this anime I bought. I saw it on on demand a long time ago and it was pretty good, then I saw the box set at FYE and so I hid it... and then... yea, I came back and got it... cause..., I luv anime and I just wanted tooo! But I probably should not have. The anime was pretty good, but it lacked an ending -.-. Anyways the lack of closure and just the show it's self got my brain working and sometimes that just isn't a good thing. Sometimes thinking to much is what sets me off.

Since it was basically a love story, it certainly got me thinking about my past relationship that has recently ended and also what may come if anything. And do I really want anything too? I certainly have realized that I'm not girlfriend material. My schedule is scattered and I can never give people a definite time that I can hang out, I go away for school and then come home for the summer, I don't like feeling obligated to have to check in with someone all the time, I like doing and going where I want without having to worry about the other person if their not with me, I have a hard time prioritizing people and things in my life and lastly I have a lot of plans that I feel like I don't have time for as it is. I feel like a relationship kinda gets in my way sometimes. Oh and one more BIG thing. I don't think I want.... to be serious. The idea of a serious relationship scares me to death and not for fear for getting hurt, just don't want to feel committed to one person for forever or something. I don't think in the way of will always be together, in fact I don't really think ahead at all.... most of the time I think in terms of.... until we break up. Ugh, what's wrong with me? That doesn't sound normal at all... Or do I sound like the guy, not the girl or something? So once I come to these conclusions I start to second guess myself all over again... Maybe it's not that I don't want these things, maybe it's just that I have not felt strong enough about anyone yet. I mean how can I really know though? I see my friends in their relationships and sometimes I can see it. They're so happy at times, but I just can't fathom it. It's like I just don't understand and I'm not talking about the 'newness' of the relationship. I think that part is almost always exciting and makes everyone happy. Pretty much all my friends have been with their significant other long enough that they're past that part of it. They're onto something more and that part just doesn't make sense to me, they can be together so much and still be happy all the time I guess and not feel like they need to be doing other things. I can't understand that, I tried to do that. But it just didn't happen with me, I just couldn't and I had a great guy, a cute and very good boyfriend. WTF?! It sounds so silly, but I see that stuff with my friends and on T.V., like the anime I just watched. And what I think is... I do want that. I have not had that really I think, but I do know the feeling some, but not quite the same way. I know it's a good feeling, but it just hasn't really come I don't think. I dunno why. I have gotten feelings in the past though, but I'm not really sure if they're true or if they mean anything, or if their just plain old simple curiosity and attraction. I think you need more than those things to make it work.

You must.

And to act on just those things could be very dangerous, but if ya don't understand that's all they are, how will you know? And another thing, isn't that how most relationships start anyways? I mean it's not usually love at first sight right? It's an attraction and then a crush, then you get to know the person some. Or is sometimes the attraction just such a strong one? Do you fall in love with them before you even date? I mean maybe sometimes, but not always right? Sometimes that's something that forms as the relationship grows? ughhhh See I am a very confused individual. These things have been playing over and over in my mind like a broken record for months. It made my year even harder and although it doesn't sound like it, but my lack of clarity and understanding of my own feelings frustrates me so much at times that it's painful inside. On top of everything else going on during the semester this was always a ghost in my head. I'm not sure exactly how or when I became so confused, but it made me feel ill often and it made me feel like the worst kind of person, like a liar.

This is one of things that made me despise myself as the semester played out. There were other things too completely unrelated, but this was certainly one of the worst. Sounds so stupid, but writing all this out feels so relieving I been so confused for so long and I didn't tell anyone for such a long time. I think people noticed though, like my mom and surprisingly enough my dad too. My mom could see it in my face a lot dealing with all the confusion is painful and it makes it hard to be happy. All these thoughts made me realize I needed to break up with my boyfriend, because it was just wrong and he didn't deserve all this. None of it was his fault and I thought that he could find someone more sure of what they want. It made me also realize that I need to be single again, I need to just not date anyone for a while I had a lot of other things going on too, especially with my family. Things that were hard enough to deal with and were sending me over the edge and all this stuff was just more... more thinking... more brooding over things that aren't happy and make me dislike myself. More stress on top of all the friend issues, homesickness, school, work, homework and no sleep.

Well anyways since then I gotta say I haven't really straightened these thoughts out. But their not making me hate myself so much anymore. Then again they still do at times. I'm single now and I need it to just BE that way for a while. Because I mean.. I don't want to hurt anyone again. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't want to hate myself SO SO much anymore. As for boys, I still love them, I just don't want go anywhere past a friendship or minor flirtation with any. Not to say that even if I was trying to date someone I'd be able to find someone... haha. But I'm not really looking for it. I suppose if I I was hit hard enough with strong feelings I would take out that part I just said above. But knowing me... that won't happen. Maybe I just don't do the love thing. Welllllll... I'll always have my horse, he's the first man in my life anyways. haha. But still... boys are great.

Okay well I'm done I could go on about other things, but this is long enough!
<3 Ms. KtK