I'm kind of an idiot. Have you ever had someone who has been nothing, but good to you. Someone who has been there for you when you really needed someone to be there. When you didn't know where to turn. When you felt like everything is lost? Can't believe how sick I am inside lately. Gawd I kno I sound like the most depressing person, I'm not I swear. My issue is I can't seem to avoid judgement from certain people. I do my best not to disappoint, but that's all I seem to do. And I can't make anyone happy, that's for sure, well how could I? I'm not even happy! if I can't be happy how can I make anyone else happy? See I thought I would be happy though once I was here, because I was just so miserable in Columbus. The reason again being very repetitive in all my journals is because anything and everything was going to hell and I wasn't sleeping... ever. If I do something for one person I let someone else down, my presence certainly isn't enough, in fact I think being around has made things worst. Much worst I feel like all aspects of my life just went to hell even further this summer(I can clarify if you need me too). It kind of has left me scratching my head wondering if things would have been better for everyone else if I had just stayed away. Well maybe for most, but mom needs me. She doesn't act like it and I know it's because she doesn't want to put the pressure on me, but I know the truth. She told me once over spring break I was one of the only things that make her happy now days. I need her around too. Actually a lot of the times I'm out with my friends I find myself wanting to leave just to go home to her. Like I miss her. I know I been a big disappointment to everyone. I'm sorry. Think after the last 6 months of school I had I have become a professional at being a disappointment.

Actually if ya wanta know the truth I'm really quite terrified to go back to school and Columbus this year... heh heh everything just went so poorly last year. And I'm not sure I'll be able to deal with it all again. The money, the separation anxiety, the no sleep, the living alone, the dangers/annoyances of stupid downtown, the constant work load that is suppose to exceed that of Harvard law, the constant disappointment in my artwork, the no hank/riding and God forbid if something happens again well I'm away. Ugh... I'll prob crack and check myself into a mad house. Yep.. sounds about right. If I'd be allowed one wish I'd wish that everyone could find what makes them happy and let them selves be welst i'm away. Misery is a horrid curse, a curse people try to burden all on their shoulders alone most of the time. But I think it can be lifted off if a person opens their eyes to all the things that lead to their own personal fulfillment. So ask yourself what are the things that haunt you in your life? And why? Can something be done about it? Maybe yes maybe no. I can do it for myself in some situations. Some thing that weighs me down is forgiveness, anger, letting go.

Someone very important to me, lied to me for half of my life. Betrayed my family. It seemed so impossible to forgive, but when face to face it was so very easy. The person was to important in my life not to forgive and we can move on. The person was someone else for so long that when they were themselves again it was a relief.

When I say forgiveness, I mean for myself as well. I have to forgive myself for my own wrongs and trust me there is plenty. I have wronged one particular person, although it wasn't so black and white. I did try to take steps forward for my misgivings starting with a personal apology, but even after so things weren't resolved. Leaving the person alone didn't seem to help either. Heavy guilt then set in, but after some realization of the other parties failure to reconnect and maybe understanding they don't care and prefer to stay on opposite sides. I let go of my guilt and forgave myself for giving up. What can't be helped, can't be helped. As long as I leave the person be and let them live on their lives and wish them the best. Letting go of anger is a difficult thing, I had to do it myself and it took some time. But staying angry for so long is just living another misery.

Of course then there is always substantial things that make people down. Things that happen in our lives that we could or could not control. How can we not be miserable when something horrible happens. I don't have an answer. Hell, I'm not all knowing and I'm not trying to be. These are things that have just been going through my own mind. The only thing I can think of is trying to do things to make myself happy for these situations. Sometimes stupid things enjoying the glory of the night sky, having a nice talk with a friend, love stories, family guy. What I have realized is as mundane as these things are. I can control the importance of them in my own mind. If I take great fascination in it, well then god dammit! It's FANTASTIC! For as horrible as the world is, it's just as great. Feeling like shit that someone hurt you? Well fuck, then think about the person that loves you or the person that you love and why? Won't that make you at least smile inwardly. I dunno it works for me.

I spill a tear here and there
Am I happy over a memory
Sad that that is all it is
Laughing so hard that it makes me cry

Lastly I heard this song on the radio on my way to work today and it made me think of a couple people that helped me during those hell months of Columbus where again anything and everything was going wrong. So I'm posting it on here as a dedication to those people. The people I mentioned at the start of this journal. The ones that have been nothing, but good to you and you kind of aren't worthy because you have not been as great to them back. I once told one of them, "Your such a good person and friend, you make me feel bad." She didn't understand me, she is definitely one of them. So it's for them unbeknownst to them or maybe they do know.

del amitri - roll to me

Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped itd be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me

Look into your heart pretty baby,
Is it aching with some nameless need.
Is there something wrong and you cant put your finger on it
Right then, roll to me

And I dont think I have ever seen a soul so in despair
So if you want to talk the night through
Guess who will be there?

So dont try to deny it pretty baby,
Youve been down so long you can hardly see
When the engines stalled and it wont stop raining
Its the right time to roll to me

Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped itd be
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me

Thanks all who ever took the time to read this long thing. MsKtK