Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

:date:
 
:iconami-kintshu:

~ami-kintshu

Ms. KTK
ProfileGalleryPrintsFavesJournal
Sign up to follow this artist's work

For Fucks Sake

Sun Sep 20, 2009, 12:11 AM
  • Mood: Fear
  • Listening to: Dashboard Confessions Hands Down
Look, I'm sitting here and I'm just not sure why I'm so emotional right now.. Okay that's a lie I do know. But I can't say it, for fucks sake! It's driving me nuts! But I can't fucking say it. I'm too scared. I never realized how scared I am until now. I practically let fear run my whole god damn life! What the hell. I never noticed until now. I don't know what to do. I never realized I can't say things because I'm always afraid. I don't say how I feel, I don't do what I want to do, I let myself get hurt and stepped on, I let myself sit here and rot away. Why, do I do this to myself? In almost every aspect of my life. I have made very few brave decisions in my life.

One was going to this school. And I question it everyday. I'm so unsure about my life and my career and if I'll make it in the real world. What happened to my motivation and my will. I just don't understand. I don't think I realized at the time what I was doing. I'm just so god damn scared.

One of the few I can think of was Hank. I was so afraid of him at first and I hated him so fucking much. That god damn horse and I fought so hard and i just wanted to send him back! But I didn't, I rose to that challenge. That was one of the few successes of my life and god dammit it was probably one of the last times I felt truly alive. When I really think about it that whole journey changed who I was as a person. I was so antisocial before that, so integrated and so god damn depressed before Hank came along and brought me back again. But now... I'm just afraid again, even in my riding. God dammit I'm sorry Hank.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time because I finally see. It's so stupid really. hahaha. yea. it is. I should have noticed how easy it was for me to be with Mike. Because it was so fucking safe. Yea, cause I never fell in love with him. How stupid. But it was hard to break up with him once I realized I wasn't going to fall in love with him. I'm so fucking sorry Mike. But now it hurts a lot. Yea being safe makes me sick. It makes me sick inside. SIck. Fucking sick.

I'm even to fucking scared to tell the horrible truth when it stares me right in the face. I was so afraid, that my mind played a trick on me. It went right into straight up denial and I didn't even see it. I made up reasons for how it could be not what I thought it was... well I was holding the stupid bottle in my hand. What an idiot and I was to afraid to admit the truth and I covered a lie for a week. C'mon now. Get with it. There is no excuse for that one, your an adult now.

The only secrets I've kept are the same secrets about myself that nobody knows. Those are my only real secrets. Cause I can't be honest with my self inside. All the rest is just unspoken, has not been confronted.

I'm so afraid of what everyone else is going to think of me. And I'm so afraid people are going to disown me. It's already happened once, twice, three times.... more... even recently and I didn't stop it. Because I was to scared to fight for it. I just felt like it would be safer to give up, but it still hurts. I wanta defend myself and what I believe and the people I care about, but really I am just to scared too. What the fuck. I'm so afraid of losing the people who are so important to me. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Yes. I'm to scared to do it. I'm sorry I'm such a coward guys.

I'm too scared to be honest with my own feelings.

I am to scared to really put myself out there. How do I get over this? Please I don't want to live this way. Gawd... I'm sorry, it just hit me. If you want to know why I'm upset? Please don't worry nothing has happened. And I mean it NOTHING. I just realized something, I actually have been realizing it for about the last week and a half. Yea that's it. Just this last week.

That's all this is, an internal epiphany about myself that made me finally understand how most of my actions are based on my fears. And I'm to scared to say what my epiphany was. Figures... right?

18 Comments

Devious Comments

love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconwoodstocklover8:
~WoodstockLover8 Sep 20, 2009, 5:01:55 AM
I understand what you're going through. I'm quite the coward myself. Hell, I used to be so fucking afraid to even call the doctor for a routine check up... last year. I make my parents do it cause it makes me really nervous and I seriously am afraid. I almost didn't take the job at Ruby Tuesdays... I was afraid about what I might have to do and not knowing anything. I'm proud of myself for biting the bullet and getting in there, though I'm still a nervous wrecked when it comes to not knowing what to do. I was afraid to break up with either of my past two boyfriends because I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else... Even though I was in a constant state of emotional pain. They may not even be comparable to your fears but I know they seem to rule me if I let them.

I'm not sure how to help you here... because I'm not sure what drives your fears... Or what it is you really are afraid of. But I will tell you one thing. You are an awesome person. I really am glad that you're in my life and don't let anything tell you different. So you have a few flaws. EVERYONE has some flaws and then some. Hell, I've got a ton that most times I don't even like to face... But don't let the flaws define you. As soon as you do that, they've won. The trick is to accept that they're there, be determined to work on them (though they may never go away fully) and move on with your life.

I don't know how much of a help that is, or if I'm just rambling... x_x but I really do hope you get through this and if you ever need to talk to someone, you've got my number.

--
"Don't knock on Death's door... Ring the doorbell and Run! He Hates that." ;)

"I may not be Perfect, but Parts of me are Pretty Awesome."

"We're having hot lesbian sex... And by 'hot lesbian sex' we mean cookies... but it's still Hot."
:iconra7ar:
~Ra7ar Sep 20, 2009, 5:28:24 AM
You made me cry, well more so I dont know what to say to help you because I could have wrote the same thing. The only thing I can think of if your a coward I dont even register, you have done so many things you amaze me you go back to school even thou you got crushed last year, you are no coward to me you went back and that means something you went in the first place and that means strength. And I dont know all your problems only what you write here. I dont know what else to say I hope all turns out well.

--
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Edmund Burke (British Statesman and Philosopher 1729-1797) And always Take Care (Me =])
:iconcahn:
~Cahn Sep 20, 2009, 5:59:44 AM
I feel the same way sometimes and actually i think i do this too, as always im here for you whenever you need someone to talk to, laugh, and even a shoulder to lean on. Your not alone with this..... ~hugs~talk to you soon and see you soon as well. Everything will be alright.

--
Milton: Excuse me, Senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a Mai Tai and they brought me a Pina Colada? And I said 'No salt' NO SALT for the Margarita, but it had salt on it.

Rupert Reyes as Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, Senor... gringo.
:iconmoniiku:
~Moniiku Sep 20, 2009, 10:39:14 AM
my dearest kaitie we all have our demons inside and out...but a true friend would never disown you nor would they let you go through pain alone...no matter what i will always be there for you! you are one of my closest friends and i vow not to let you go.....plus who will i stalk ??? lol and the whole i dont know if my career choice is right or if ill make it....dont worry ive gone through that a couple times....especially this year....but no matter what there will always be a need for artist like us :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so no more tears..... like i sometimes say.... it may be a dark and scary storm but after every storm there will be a ray of light guiding you out of it..... or the other saying i like to say....confusous say cat climb up tree but doesnt come down....wonder why??!!
lol that last one is meant to put a smile on your face and make you laugh a lil ....
:D :glomp::hug:

--
"And in the end you'll finally see, That baby I've done everything I possibly can, I'd do it again, Cause I know you're everything that I need...." ~Meatloaf "Blind as a Bat"
:iconamayanightrain:
~AmayaNightRain Sep 20, 2009, 11:48:05 AM
Kaitie, don't worry about being afraid. Nobody is perfect, everybody has their faults. EVERYONE is afraid of something whether or not they're willing to admit it.

And you shouldn't worry about people abandoning you, either. If they leave you over one thing, then they weren't really there for you in the first place, were they? The people who are truly there for you will help you work through your problems, not leave you in your time of need.

And seriously, if you need me anytime, just call me and I will drive to Cbus, crappy car be damned.

--
"Oh, I figured that one out. In my head. While eating my Cup 'O Soup." -Zack Addy

"YOU GIVE ME IDEAS!!! :excited:" -~InsaneKittyKat
:iconami-kintshu:
~ami-kintshu Sep 24, 2009, 10:16:28 AM
I don't think we can judge who has greater fears, it's all a matter of how it affects us. To tell you the truth I didn't even realize that it was my fear that was driving me so much until I wrote this. It just hit me all the sudden well I was talking to my friend, that that's why I couldn't solve most of my problems. I was afraid. What a bad sickening feeling that is, I just started typing right after that. I know what drives some of my fears I'm just not sure how to get over them, but I think I will slowly.

Every little thing helps. Talking listening to other people's fears. Especially you because I always kind of felt like you and I are alike in a lot of ways. I'm so glad to have met you Carly ^^. You been so supportive and even before I really got to know you. I hope I can return the favor and be as a good friend to you in your time of need as you have been to me.

--
Ms. KtK... she is short and feisty
:iconami-kintshu:
~ami-kintshu Sep 24, 2009, 10:20:16 AM
I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry. I just had this sudden realization and all I could think to do was type. I in know way have seen you show fear or be a coward! You are right I guess... coming back here does seem brave, but I feel like there was know way I wasn't going to. It was almost more obligation and it also became and escape after the summer I had. Thank you for believing in me, I guess will see what happens.

--
Ms. KtK... she is short and feisty
:iconami-kintshu:
~ami-kintshu Sep 24, 2009, 10:20:48 AM
Yea I know what you mean, I know thanks ^^ :hug:

--
Ms. KtK... she is short and feisty
:iconami-kintshu:
~ami-kintshu Sep 24, 2009, 10:24:20 AM
Ya know mo, thanks so much. Your right, I shouldn't even think that about my friends. It's an insult, but important people have come and gone in my life as I grew up and even most recent. It's just scary i need to realize I have a small group there for life. ^^
Your also right about artist I have to remember that... I never thought of it that way. I jus get so scared about it sometimes. How am i gonna survive kinda thing? haha you always make me smile :D :hug:

--
Ms. KtK... she is short and feisty
Previous Page12Next Page

Journal History

Site Map